I know it's been a bit, but I've had a really rough week. One of the greatest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing, Kenny Black, died on 4/23. I guess I tried to ignore it at first, but once it really sank it I did not take it very well. I thought about crawling in a hole, but decided that would be unreasonable. So, I just didn't blog for a few days. I like to punish my FAITHFUL READERS. Or something.
And I can be angry, and I can cry, and I can be overcome with soul-crushing sadness, but no matter what I do it's not going to change anything. He is gone. That finality....the fact that nothing I do can fix this...sometimes when I think about this I feel an emptiness so deep in my stomach that I think I might actually fall apart. Like I just might start crumbling away in chunks and flakes.
Nobody I've ever KNOWN, like really known, as ever died before. It's stunning to think that someone so young and full of life can be completely gone in just an instant. When you realize you're not invincible and that you're not going to live forever it puts things in perspective. If I can learn anything from Kenny's death it's that life needs to be lived. And so I am gonna try. I am gonna try to be a better sister, daughter, aunt, friend. I am going to try to be a better person all around. A better feminist, a better student, and a better teacher. I am going to put one foot in front of the other and take every step I can until it's my turn to die.
Once I can stop crying.
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Roseanne Rosannadanna ain't got nothing on me.
Craigslist is like magic! I found a job on the SGF craigslist Sunday night for a hotel front desk clerk and when I saw the listing I nearly PEED myself because there are NEVER any jobs listed this far east of SGF, but sure enough, there one was. I immediately emailed the listing, provided my resume, and tried my best to be engaging. It must've worked, because he called me the next morning to arrange for me to come down to the location to fill out an application. It's about twenty minutes south of the town I live in, so it's not too bad, and after I ran a plethora of other errands, I managed to get down there. His wife interviewed me on the spot (after I filled out the application) and gave me a basic idea of what the job would entail, what the shift would be, and how things would work. She told me she'd call me this morning to arrange for me to come meet with her husband at the hotel they have IN my town (too bad that one's night hiring, AMIRITE?!) so that he could interview me, too.
I thought I blew it because they ended up calling three times this morning and couldn't get through...this was after I assured her that someone was always around the answer the phone. When I got down to the hotel I apologized profusely and explained that it really is incredibly uncommon for nobody to answer the phone. Even in my sleep I usually hear the phone ringing from across the house. They must not have had any other replies because after about 15 minutes of talking and discussion and all that good stuff, they asked me to start training on Saturday.
So...while I'm not on the payroll YET, I am certainly on my way. And even though it's a night shift from 10pm to 6am and it's only gonna be 3 MAYBE 4 nights a week, it is a START. And since it's SO late, I could in theory get any other job in town (assuming any pop up) and it would not interfere with that schedule since it's SO late and nothing around here closes that late or opens that early. It is quite a relief to finally get back into the employment saddle. I am incredibly nervous about what this could mean for camp (since I assured them repeatedly that I was in it for the long haul), but I can't worry about that right now. I need to be thinking about what I need right now.
Oh, and of course, not 4 hours after I confirm that I am going to start training, the mountaineer started overheating. We think a hose is dead, or something, but at this point it's completely un-drivable because it keeps overheating, and we're already short two cars (Samantha's is out of commission and Liz doesn't have one). We've got four days to get it sorted.
It's always something....if it's not one thing, it's something else, ain't it?
I thought I blew it because they ended up calling three times this morning and couldn't get through...this was after I assured her that someone was always around the answer the phone. When I got down to the hotel I apologized profusely and explained that it really is incredibly uncommon for nobody to answer the phone. Even in my sleep I usually hear the phone ringing from across the house. They must not have had any other replies because after about 15 minutes of talking and discussion and all that good stuff, they asked me to start training on Saturday.
So...while I'm not on the payroll YET, I am certainly on my way. And even though it's a night shift from 10pm to 6am and it's only gonna be 3 MAYBE 4 nights a week, it is a START. And since it's SO late, I could in theory get any other job in town (assuming any pop up) and it would not interfere with that schedule since it's SO late and nothing around here closes that late or opens that early. It is quite a relief to finally get back into the employment saddle. I am incredibly nervous about what this could mean for camp (since I assured them repeatedly that I was in it for the long haul), but I can't worry about that right now. I need to be thinking about what I need right now.
Oh, and of course, not 4 hours after I confirm that I am going to start training, the mountaineer started overheating. We think a hose is dead, or something, but at this point it's completely un-drivable because it keeps overheating, and we're already short two cars (Samantha's is out of commission and Liz doesn't have one). We've got four days to get it sorted.
It's always something....if it's not one thing, it's something else, ain't it?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Camp, the New Year, and Bodily Functions.
It was brought to my attention by Meghann that I promised an entry about camp and bodily functions and the future and stuff. So, here it is.
CAMP WAS UNBELIEVABLE! I was really nervous going...not as nervous as I was during the summer, but there was definitely some trepidation. The good news is that I was not even remotely concerned about flying. I ended up taking three different flights over the summer, and combined with the four I took to get to and from winter camp, I can comfortably say that flying is a breeze. I mean, yeah, it's a hassle and annoying, but I don't really panic about it anymore. AND I DO IT ALONE LIKE A GROWN UP!!!!! I said "the good news" as if there would be some bad news to follow. I have no idea what I intended to add. My bad.
Anyhow, being a counselor was out of control! I got INCREDIBLY lucky and got into a really good cabin and group (they are not necessarily mutually exclusive) so I got to spend time bonding with great campers, and great staff. There was some NOT SO GREAT STAFF, but why dwell on the negative when I can talk about the awesome that is Jenny&Jennie. Jenny should've been my roommate at summer camp, but then life happened and Ami ended up as my roommate. I wouldn't change that for the world, b/c Ami was an AMAZING cabinmate, and we bonded and handled business and all that good stuff that you'd expect, but, secretly, deep down, I was a little sad once Jenny got to camp and I saw how awesome she was. It was like having two great choices and not actually being able to pick either...once is just given to you. So, yeah, winter camp was a great chance for me and Jenny to bond. And then Jennie...holy crap....you know how you meet people who just GET it? That is Jennie. Jennie just GETS IT! And I love that about her.
As far as the campers themselves went, my group was amazing. We only had one camper who had anything that approached the "behaviors" that are rued by all counselors, and even then it was pretty easy to figure out what the camper wanted. There was an incident on new year's day with one of my campers involving a seizure, a trip to the ER in an ambulance, and a pregnancy scare, but I can't really go into the deets on it b/c I am sure it violates the privacy policy and all that. I will say that shit was INTENSE!!!!* It's a good thing I learned to drive the liftvans over the summer...IT'S A LIFE SKILL, MAN!
After camp, I went and staying with my PA bestie Daniella for a few days. It was kind of awesome minus my racking cough and seemingly random rectal bleeding that I did not REALLY notice until that Sunday and that did not STOP until the Thursday after I cam home (that's the really gross bodily function part). After some deliberation, soul searching, and medical consultation (my friend Sadie is a nurse) we decided that I probably had a hemorrhoid that exploded early in the week and I was too dumb to notice b/c I was also on my period. Apparently, hemorrhoids do not always hurt. WHO KNEW?! So yeah, it was a total relief when I stopped BLEEDING FROM MY BUTT. And I had fun at Danielle's.
I am trying to be optimistic about the new year. I made some AMAZING friends last year, got closer to some old friends I hadn't talked to in years, strengthened relationships with friends I already had, and learned so much about myself. I hope I can apply it to my future...I hope I can use the past to take me somewhere.
*Anytime I say ANYTHING is "intense" I think of this ridiculous camp joke about League Pioneers. League Pioneers is a camping program offered for higher functioning campers and they sleep in tents and cook over a fire and do lots of hikes and cool stuff. The joke goes "Did you hear about League Pioneers? It's INTENTS!" You know..."intense"="in tents." And yeah, I really do think it's a funny joke.
CAMP WAS UNBELIEVABLE! I was really nervous going...not as nervous as I was during the summer, but there was definitely some trepidation. The good news is that I was not even remotely concerned about flying. I ended up taking three different flights over the summer, and combined with the four I took to get to and from winter camp, I can comfortably say that flying is a breeze. I mean, yeah, it's a hassle and annoying, but I don't really panic about it anymore. AND I DO IT ALONE LIKE A GROWN UP!!!!! I said "the good news" as if there would be some bad news to follow. I have no idea what I intended to add. My bad.
Anyhow, being a counselor was out of control! I got INCREDIBLY lucky and got into a really good cabin and group (they are not necessarily mutually exclusive) so I got to spend time bonding with great campers, and great staff. There was some NOT SO GREAT STAFF, but why dwell on the negative when I can talk about the awesome that is Jenny&Jennie. Jenny should've been my roommate at summer camp, but then life happened and Ami ended up as my roommate. I wouldn't change that for the world, b/c Ami was an AMAZING cabinmate, and we bonded and handled business and all that good stuff that you'd expect, but, secretly, deep down, I was a little sad once Jenny got to camp and I saw how awesome she was. It was like having two great choices and not actually being able to pick either...once is just given to you. So, yeah, winter camp was a great chance for me and Jenny to bond. And then Jennie...holy crap....you know how you meet people who just GET it? That is Jennie. Jennie just GETS IT! And I love that about her.
As far as the campers themselves went, my group was amazing. We only had one camper who had anything that approached the "behaviors" that are rued by all counselors, and even then it was pretty easy to figure out what the camper wanted. There was an incident on new year's day with one of my campers involving a seizure, a trip to the ER in an ambulance, and a pregnancy scare, but I can't really go into the deets on it b/c I am sure it violates the privacy policy and all that. I will say that shit was INTENSE!!!!* It's a good thing I learned to drive the liftvans over the summer...IT'S A LIFE SKILL, MAN!
After camp, I went and staying with my PA bestie Daniella for a few days. It was kind of awesome minus my racking cough and seemingly random rectal bleeding that I did not REALLY notice until that Sunday and that did not STOP until the Thursday after I cam home (that's the really gross bodily function part). After some deliberation, soul searching, and medical consultation (my friend Sadie is a nurse) we decided that I probably had a hemorrhoid that exploded early in the week and I was too dumb to notice b/c I was also on my period. Apparently, hemorrhoids do not always hurt. WHO KNEW?! So yeah, it was a total relief when I stopped BLEEDING FROM MY BUTT. And I had fun at Danielle's.
I am trying to be optimistic about the new year. I made some AMAZING friends last year, got closer to some old friends I hadn't talked to in years, strengthened relationships with friends I already had, and learned so much about myself. I hope I can apply it to my future...I hope I can use the past to take me somewhere.
*Anytime I say ANYTHING is "intense" I think of this ridiculous camp joke about League Pioneers. League Pioneers is a camping program offered for higher functioning campers and they sleep in tents and cook over a fire and do lots of hikes and cool stuff. The joke goes "Did you hear about League Pioneers? It's INTENTS!" You know..."intense"="in tents." And yeah, I really do think it's a funny joke.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Mixed Signals
Sometimes I feel fine. Really and truly. Hopeful about the future and like I am doing alright. This is just temporary and I know it and I can still breathe when I think about it because I know it's just a point on the line of my life.
But other times I feel like my molecules are splitting apart and my atoms are going to fly out of me. Those days are more often. And they are hard. It is a lot of "why me?" and "if I had fought harder would I still be in this situation?" That one is the worst. Because I can't change the past, only the future.
I keep telling myself the same things over and over again in hopes that at some point they will stick. I want to be better. I will be better. It will be better. I have a future.
My grandma called me yesterday to inform me that there are 8,000 jobs in South Dakota and they have NOBODY to fill them. Sadie has offered me her spare room in her house in AZ, Allie and I have tentative plans to move in together in TN in May, Bekah has shown me several different job sites and offered me a spot in her future apt in MD. It appears to me that I have a fair amount of opportunity, I just need to get my head on straight and figure out what I want. I know I don't want to be here. And I know it's going to be difficult for both me and my family when I do leave.
It's like that Forget Cassettes song: "I know it hurts, but good god, girl, get up and fight for it."
But other times I feel like my molecules are splitting apart and my atoms are going to fly out of me. Those days are more often. And they are hard. It is a lot of "why me?" and "if I had fought harder would I still be in this situation?" That one is the worst. Because I can't change the past, only the future.
I keep telling myself the same things over and over again in hopes that at some point they will stick. I want to be better. I will be better. It will be better. I have a future.
My grandma called me yesterday to inform me that there are 8,000 jobs in South Dakota and they have NOBODY to fill them. Sadie has offered me her spare room in her house in AZ, Allie and I have tentative plans to move in together in TN in May, Bekah has shown me several different job sites and offered me a spot in her future apt in MD. It appears to me that I have a fair amount of opportunity, I just need to get my head on straight and figure out what I want. I know I don't want to be here. And I know it's going to be difficult for both me and my family when I do leave.
It's like that Forget Cassettes song: "I know it hurts, but good god, girl, get up and fight for it."
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Road
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began,
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many path and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
-J.R.R. Tolkien
Down from the door where it began,
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many path and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
-J.R.R. Tolkien
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Going for it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean, I have so much free time; it's not like I'm doing much else, right? I want to be better. I want to be a better person. I know that I am capable of anything and I don't really understand why I am not happy. I have the capacity to be happy, but I deliberately sit here in my own personal sad place. Jeannette tells me that when I came home from camp, I was so happy. I was so optimistic and hopeful for the future. Now, I am sad that I wake up everyday, and that is not a good place, blog. It is not where I want to be.
I am going to be better. Opportunities are not for wasting, and nobody is just going to hand them out. I am going to find them and take them. After all, what do I have to lose? It's high time I stop worrying about who or what I might leave behind. If they want me, they'll come with me.
I am going to be better. Opportunities are not for wasting, and nobody is just going to hand them out. I am going to find them and take them. After all, what do I have to lose? It's high time I stop worrying about who or what I might leave behind. If they want me, they'll come with me.
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